Before we fall, p.11
Before We Fall, page 11
A simple mistake. That’s what the guy had said. Only the thing is, I cleaned the kitchen. I did it before we shut down, because it had been so slow. I did it before seeing the vandalism, and I remember doing it. I also remember turning it off.
Ben and I locked up. We were the last ones to leave having let Dawson go soon after Ben got there. There’s no explanation for how this fire started. The only thing I truly know is that there’s no way on God’s green earth that it could have started from that grill—unless there was some kind of mechanical error on the grill and it switched on. I might even believe that happened, except for one thing: that dish towel is not one of ours. I don’t recognize it at all.
“It’s okay, Gavin,” I lie, because I know that he needs to hear that from me. I don’t tell him about my suspicions or about the grill. There’s no point, at least not right now.
“It’s not, Junie, but it will be. You have insurance, right?”
I sigh, trying to focus on what I can do something about. “Yeah, I have insurance,” I tell him. I’m glad I do, and I’m doubly glad that I took out more than the bank required. I paid for most of the club, but I went through the bank for a partial loan to cover the renovations I wanted out front and a few odds and ends. Luckily all of that was unharmed. I owe so much to the local fire department. The damage was contained to this room and though it looks bad, I don’t think it will be a huge thing to fix it back—thank God.
“I guess this makes beefing up the security moot at this point,” Ben says, coming in the room.
My gaze goes to him. “No. I want the security. I actually want it in every room of the bar that is feasible.” Ben frowns at me while studying me intently.
“Junie?” he asks, not saying anything other than that, but he doesn’t need to.
“I cleaned up the kitchen, Ben. There wasn’t a dishcloth on it.”
“Maybe you were just so busy that you missed it, Junie,” Gavin says. I don’t look away from Ben, but I shake my head no.
“We weren’t crowded. It was just Dawson and me. I shut that grill down. There wasn’t a towel on it.”
“Fuck,” Gavin hisses. Ben still hasn’t said anything. “Are you positive? You had seen all the graffiti and shit outside. Maybe you were just so upset and distracted that you missed it, or maybe Dawson put it there and forgot when he closed up after you left?” Gavin continues, giving me possible scenarios and any of them are feasible, and maybe Dawson did that… except….
“That’s not one of our dishtowels. I special ordered all of ours and…”
“Junie, it burned in the fire…”
“There was still a small corner left, wedged against the metal grill. I watched the arson guys bag it. It’s not one of the ones I bought.”
“There wasn’t much there to be able to tell, Junie.”
This comes from Ben, and he’s right, but he’s also wrong.
“The material was a little charred, but it clearly had white fabric. It had been damaged from smoke and dirt, but it had clearly been white at one time. I’d never buy white. I don’t want something that stains easily. I’m telling you that it wasn’t one of mine.”
“Could one of your employees have brought it in, or maybe it was left here from when it was Elaine’s place?” Ben asks, his voice all business. I think about what he asks, and it is possible. I sigh, wondering if the past few days have been too much and I’m having some kind of delayed reaction.
“It’s possible,” I hedge. “But, I just…”
“You’ve been through a lot, Junie, but Honey, things like this happen a lot in a business with an active kitchen,” Gavin says, and I know he’s right. There’s just something in my gut that says this is all wrong…
“We’ll put up extra security and start monitoring it,” Ben says, surprising me. I can’t believe it. I thought he’d feel like Gavin. That’d he’d be convinced that I was over reacting. “It’s better to be safe than sorry,” Ben says, his face softening a he looks at me. He walks to me, and I all but fall into his arms. He holds me close, and I close my eyes, drinking in his goodness, while standing in the chaos of everything in my world that’s bad.
“Ben,” I breathe.
“Always going to have your back, Baby,” he says, and I hold him that much tighter.
“So, Kingston, are we like family, now?” Gavin says, with a laugh that tells everyone involved he’s enjoying yanking Ben’s chain.
I grin into Ben’s tortured face and he rolls his eyes as Gavin slaps him on the back.
“How mad would you be if I killed your brother?” Ben asks, his eyes crinkling in laughter.
“Well I do kind of love the big lug,” I tell Ben.
“Gee thanks, Junie,” Gavin mutters.
“So you’re saying you might kick me out of our bed if I kill him?”
“It’s possible,” I respond, giggling.
“Fuck,” Ben says, shaking his head. “I guess you get to live, Lodge.”
“Get real, Kingston. You’d be lost without me. I’m the Cash to your Tango.”
“My what to your what?” Ben asks, jerking around to look at Gavin like he’s lost his mind—and I think maybe he has.
“The Cash to your Tango? Old Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell movie? Oh my God, please tell me you’ve seen that movie. You should have your badge removed just on fucking principle,” Gavin complains.
“I’ve seen it,” Ben says. “It’s just clearly you’re Tango.”
“I’m Tango?” Gavin asks in disbelief.
“Definitely.”
“The hell I am. I mean I could totally be Stallone in say, Rambo. He was fucking cool. But Tango? No way, man. He wore suits and read financial papers. I’m clearly Cash.”
“Nope. Tango. You wore suits all the time when you worked for the FBI.”
“Yeah, but that’s a job requirement when—”
“And clearly you have the hot sister that I’m sleeping with. You’re Tango, while I’m the hot guy who packs a bigger gun that your sister wants to hold.”
“God, just when I thought I liked you, Kingston. Now, I’m just going to have to kill you on principle.”
“He’s not wrong, Gavin. I do want to hold his big gun,” I tease, and Ben throws his head back in laughter, while Gavin yells.
“Fuck, Junie. Why in the hell do you have to join in? I don’t have to take this abuse. I’m out of here and just for that, next family barbecue, Kingston, you’re bringing all the booze. The good stuff. Don’t try to be cheap,” he says leaving the room—but not before giving me a wink. I know Gavin was just trying to make me laugh and smile. He definitely did that… he did that and more.
“Always going to have your back, Baby.”
He did and a lot more.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ben
In the two weeks since the fire at Junie’s bar, she’s been withdrawn. She’s had nightmares, bad ones. She mumbles in her sleep, but I can’t make anything out. I sure know when she wakes up screaming though. She tells me it’s nothing, and the more I press her, it feels like the farther apart we get.
The most worrisome thing is that this week, she’s not even started the ball rolling on fixing the bar back up. She’s depressed and seems defeated. I don’t like it, but she’s not talking to me. If she doesn’t, there’s not a lot I can do.
“Ben, where’s my spare house key?”
“Under the vase on the table.”
“I told you to keep it outside. I have that fake rock thingy for a reason,” she mutters, walking by me to get to the kitchen.
“And I told you that it’s too dangerous to have a key out there like that,” I respond, trying my best to tap down my anger. I follow her in there frowning, because this is another change. She’s on edge, snapping about every little thing. Junie and I argue, and we make up. That’s who we are together it seems, and it’s damn good for the most part. I love it, and it’s better than anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m pretty damn sure it’s what I want for the rest of my life. But lately, who we are is not our normal, because it’s never been like this. There’s a tension in her now, almost as if she’s afraid, and I don’t fucking like it. I’ve tried giving her space, but that doesn’t seem to be working, and I’m at the end of my rope.
“It’s called a hide-a-way key for a reason, Ben. It’s disguised as a rock.”
I roll my eyes heavenward, and I should probably be glad her back is turned to me. If she saw me, she’d probably kick me in the balls. My Junie has a temper. Or at least the Junie she was did. This new Junie is just grouchy as hell.
“Baby, you bought it from a fucking infomercial. You realize everyone and their grandmother probably own two or three of these and they all look exactly the same,” I explain, aiming for sounding patient, but totally missing the mark.
Junie turns around to look at me, her face tight with anger. “A spare key does me absolutely no good on the kitchen table in the house I need inside of. Hence the rock thingy!” she growls through clenched teeth.
“You have a house key, Junie,” I point out the obvious.
“I can’t. I can’t do this. It’s my damn house, it’s my damn key, and I want it in the rock thingy outside.”
She snatches the key and stomps out of the room. I follow her, because I’m at the point that we are going to have this out. We can’t go on like this and I refuse to lose her—no matter how hard she tries to push me away. I follow her all the way out on the porch. The hide-a-way rock is on the porch swing, and I know that’s exactly where she’s headed. I move around her and grab it first.
“Give that to me,” she huffs, her face flushed with anger, her breath coming so roughly her breasts move with each exhale. Her eyes are shooting fire at me. She’s mad as hell, but she better just hold on because she’s about to get a lot madder.
“That key you’re holding is not going back in this damn thing,” I warn her.
“It is. This may surprise you, Ben, but you’re not the boss of me, and this is still my house. If you don’t like it, then you can just get the hell out!”
“I probably should because you’re working overtime to push me the fuck away,” I bark.
“I am not.”
“Bullshit.”
“You’re the one full of bullshit, Sheriff,” she yells back, and I want to bend her over the damn bannisters and fuck her. Maybe that’s what I should do, but I’m tired of this game. I’m not going to be the only one in this relationship fighting for us. Junie is going to have to do some of that if she wants to keep us.
“You want this back?” I ask her, my voice loaded with frustration and anger.
“Duh,” she mutters holding out her hand. I look at her face, those gorgeous blue eyes full of fire, but not the same kind that I’ve grown accustomed to.
“I can’t keep doing this, Junie,” I tell her, as my anger seeps away, but the frustration is still there. It’s just that now I’m letting my hurt show too.
“Ben?” she asks, and I don’t know, maybe she can sense the change. Maybe she sees the hurt I’m feeling. Who in the fuck knows anything when it comes to Junie?
“I can’t keep doing this,” I repeat. “You keep pushing me away. I’ve told you over and over that I’m here to stay and that I’ve got your back.”
“Ben—”
“The last two weeks you’ve changed. You’re not sleeping and when you do, you’re having nightmares. You won’t talk to me. You have to let me in, Junie. I can’t have your back. I can’t help if you don’t let me.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replies, stubbornly.
She’s lying. We both know it, and she avoids my eyes as she says it, which is a dead giveaway for her.
“If that’s the way you want it, Junie, then maybe we have nothing to talk about with each other.” My frustration is just boiling over. I tighten up my grip on the fake rock, waiting for her to reply. My knuckles go white with their hold, and it wouldn’t surprise me if I crushed the damn thing to powder. Maybe if I did, it would make me feel better. When she doesn’t say a word, I give up and toss the damn fake rock as far as I can.
“I can’t believe you just did that,” she gasps, as she stares in the direction the rock soared through the air. There’s a faint rustle of leaves on the mountainside, but it’s so far off that it would take a miracle to find the damn thing. That makes me feel a little better—not much, but it’s all I have.
“If you want to quit playing games and let me know what’s going on in that head of yours, Juniper. You know where to find me.”
“Ben…”
I stop for a breath, but when she looks down at her feet and doesn’t say anything else, I shake my head.
“Never figured you for a coward, Junie. Guess I was wrong.”
It’s a shitty thing to say, but if she wanted us, then she’d fight and that’s just how I feel about it. I stomp to my truck and when I get in and start it up, I don’t look back at her.
If I did, it’d probably hurt too much.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Junie
“Where’s Ben?” Luna asks, almost immediately. I knew the question was coming and that’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to come to Josh’s game tonight. I would have missed it, but that would have hurt Josh, and I don’t want to do that.
“I don’t know,” I reply with an honesty that hurts inside.
“What do you mean you don’t know?” Luna probes.
“We broke up.” I breathe out the words and the breath is freaking painful.
“You broke up? But why!? Ben is crazy about you, and I know you care for him.”
“We just want different things,” I mumble, guilt hitting me hard.
“Bullshit,” Gavin says, and it’s a tone that I don’t think I’ve heard from my brother before. My gaze cuts over to him. He’s watching me, clearly unhappy, as evidenced by the censure on his face.
“Gavin,” I start, but he shakes his head no, not letting me talk.
“I love you, Junie, you know that. But, you’re making a mistake here and we both know it.”
“Hold up,” Luna interjects. “You knew they had broken up and you didn’t tell me, Gavin?”
“That’s because they haven’t broken up.”
“We have,” I argue, hope and fear warring with each other at Gavin’s words. Has he talked with Ben? Have they been discussing us? Does this mean Ben hasn’t given up on me?
“Whatever, Junie,” he dismisses me.
“I don’t see how this is any of your business, Gavin. I’m a grown woman, and I can decide who I date and who I don’t,” I mumble.
“You’re a grown woman who needs to get her head out of her ass,” he utters under his breath. I hear him though, and that just pisses me off.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Gavin, maybe we need to step back and let Junie—”
“Live my life? That’s exactly what you need to do, Gavin. My life is not yours,” I interject, finishing Luna’s sentence. I’m letting my anger take control now, but I can’t help it. I miss Ben. I miss him so much it hurts. I know my head is messed up, and I know I’m pushing him away. The thing is, I can’t seem to stop. My head is all messed up, and I seem to be drowning in the past. It’s not logical, but it’s there. Something about the fire has triggered everything in my past, and all I can feel is… panic. It’s not even logical, but it is overpowering. It’s so bad that I haven’t been able to go to my counseling sessions that I was in—not even when I know I’m losing Ben.
“Fine. Live your life. I’ll leave you alone if you can answer one question, Junie.”
“What?”
“Do you care about Kingston at all?”
Suddenly the anger leaves me, and I look out blindly toward the football field. I don’t see my nephew out there, though. I don’t see anyone. I’m too lost in my thoughts.
“Of course I do. But you can care about someone and the relationship not work out, Gavin. Not everyone is strong enough to withstand life, like you and Luna were.”
“I’d believe that if I didn’t know for a fact that Kingston is grieving the loss of you harder than any man I’ve ever seen, Junie. He reminds me of myself when I thought I’d never have Luna in my life again. I was a dead man walking,” he says, his voice gruff. I watch as Luna curls into him, stretching up to kiss him, and my heart squeezes so tight in my chest it feels like it’s in a vice.
“I…I need to go,” I mumble, tears stinging my eyes as I maneuver getting around the feet of the people beside me on the bleachers, to leave. I keep my head down, unable to look at Gavin or Luna.
“Gavin,” Luna says softly, and I hear the pity in her voice, and I hate it.
“Junie?” Gavin’s voice matches Luna, but there’s something else in it. The kindness he gave me when we met for the first time and because of that I pull my gaze up to look at my big brother.
“Life is hard, I know. I also know you have demons that I don’t understand.”
“How did you—”
“I was an FBI agent, Junie. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out why you suddenly moved from Tennessee and come to Maine so quickly?”
“It could have been because I missed you,” I murmur.
“That’s why you chose Maine, but that’s not why you left Tennessee, now is it?”
“I got to go, Gavin.”
“Work through your demons, Junie. I promise you it will be worth it.”
Gavin’s words ring in my ears, but I don’t respond. If it was that easy, I’d have already done it. I just know right now that I need to get out of here. I’m feeling too vulnerable and way too exposed.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ben
