Raven, p.1
Raven, page 1
Published by EVERNIGHT PUBLISHING ® at Smashwords
www.evernightpublishing.com
Copyright© 2022 Sam Crescent
ISBN: 978-0-3695-0671-9
Cover Artist: Jay Aheer
Editor: Audrey Bobak
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
WARNING: The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. No part of this book may be used or reproduced electronically or in print without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.
This is a work of fiction. All names, characters, and places are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
RAVEN
Hell’s Bastards MC, 3
Sam Crescent
Copyright © 2022
Prologue
Pain was easy.
It came and went, or stayed, sucking you down into its vortex.
“It’s good to see you awake,” Ava said.
“Thanks.”
“Can you ask Smokey when I get out of here? I can’t stand hospitals.”
“I know. Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For protecting me and Umberto.”
“Umberto? Why the fuck would you call your kid that?”
“Smokey told me it was important. Ugly Beast helped to bring him into the world. I don’t think he’d like the name Raven, but if I have a little girl, I’m going to call her that. Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”
“I did.”
“No, you really didn’t. I forgive you, Raven. Don’t ever put yourself in danger for me again.”
“I care about you, Ava. It wasn’t out of guilt that I did what I did. You’re Smokey’s woman, and you’re one of my friends. I fucked up. I wasn’t a good friend.”
“Then let’s agree from this day forward, what happened in that basement stays in it. You and I, we’re good. We’re friends again.”
“I’d like that.”
Raven pulled herself out of the memory from several months ago and stared at her reflection in the mirror. She’d been in the hospital after taking one of the worst beatings of her life. Pain was easy for Raven to handle. Fists striking her flesh. The heel of a boot. None of it mattered to her.
She could eventually get over it.
Like now, there was no evidence of what went down that night. No more bruises. A couple of scars that would tell the tale, but in time, they would also fade.
Raven would take the pain over the guilt any day. Ava forgave her. Raven still couldn’t believe it was possible.
She had hurt that kind, sweet woman because of a stupid, fucking, piece-of-shit picture. Everything that had been manufactured by fucking Creed.
Raven’s hands clenched into fists as she stared at her reflection.
Abriana had gotten hurt and lost a child because of her. She had assumed the Prospect didn’t lie, and she’d been wrong.
Then … Ava.
What next?
What would she fuck up next? Who would get hurt because of her?
Tears filled her eyes as she stared at her reflection. “You don’t deserve to live!” She was sickened by the sight of herself. “You are a worthless piece of crap and should have died … long ago. Your disgusting taint should never have met Smokey, should never have been in this club. You disgust me.” With each word she spoke, the tears fell down her cheeks. “You have no right to be here!”
Gritting her teeth, Raven looked down at the bathroom counter and saw the revolver she always kept on her. It was the same one she had bought on the streets years ago. The one that had served her well, and now, her life was in its hands.
She picked it up, her stomach twisting, and she looked in the mirror, hating everything she saw. Staring at herself had always been difficult because of what stared back at her. A distant memory she tried so hard to forget but often found its way back when she least expected it. If that woman could see her now, she would be so fucking disappointed.
The best thing for her to do was to end her miserable existence and to make sure those who had suffered because of her didn’t suffer another moment. It would be so easy. All it would take was a single bullet.
Abriana would never have to look at her. Ava would never have to cry out in fear. The few times she’d been at the club at night, she knew the other woman still got nightmares. So did Raven. In her dreams, she wasn’t there in time to save Ava. Creed knocked her down always, and she couldn’t save her.
The same dream on constant repeat. No matter what she did.
She hated it. There was no way to run or escape.
Raven returned to the mirror as someone knocked on the door.
“Raven, dinner’s ready, and by dinner, I ordered takeout. I don’t think your stomach can handle another meal cooked by me.” Abriana’s voice traveled through the wooden door. What the hell was she doing? “Raven? Are you okay?” There was an edge to her voice. “Raven?”
“I’ll be right out. I was just splashing water onto my face and drying it.” The lie slipped out, and that added to her guilt, but Abrianna didn’t need to know what she’d been about to do.
Glancing down at her revolver, she quickly placed it back on the counter and gripped the edge.
Another selfish act.
Abriana would have been the one to find you.
How fucking selfish can you get?
“No problem. I’ve also ordered some hot chocolate. Ugly Beast is on the way with it,” Abriana said.
“Sounds lovely,” Raven said and cringed. Did she sound like she was hiding something?
She heard Abriana walking away, and Raven dropped down, pressing her head against the edge of the counter as she took several deep breaths in an attempt to control her racing heart. She’d never be Abriana or Ava’s problem. No making them clean up her mess. Ava had said they were friends, but Raven was going to make sure the other woman never had to worry about seeing her again.
She’d give the other woman the peace and quiet she required until the time came when her life would matter no more.
Chapter One
“Since your judgment call got my woman hurt. Think hard, Raven. If you hadn’t sent her off with a prospect that wasn’t even one of ours, my wife wouldn’t have lost our first child. She wouldn’t have had a concussion, and she wouldn’t wake up screaming some nights, terrified.”
“One mistake that anyone could have made.”
“Yeah, but it was you who made it. No one else.”
“And you still bought a house near a town with one? Are you fucking stupid?”
“Then why are you still here? You’re a club brother as far as I’m concerned, and that means I can beat the shit out of your ass.”
“You’ll do what you can, won’t you? To save her. Be good to him. Do whatever he wants…”
The last memory made Raven jolt as she came out of her trip to memory lane. That wasn’t happening. She refused to think that far back. Long ago, she’d closed the doors on those particular memories.
Tears filled her eyes, and she quickly closed them, willing them to stop. Gritting her teeth, she counted to ten and attempted to get herself back under control. Her heart pounded, and her breath was difficult to gain power over.
It’s fine.
Stop it.
It’s fine.
You’re here now.
With the Hell’s Bastards.
No one can hurt you.
Time ticked on by. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Seconds turned to minutes, and when she finally could breathe without the weight of the world crushing her chest, she opened her eyes. Once again, she was back to who she was.
No one knew of the panic attacks. Whenever she felt one occurring, she always had enough time to get the hell away from people.
Tonight, she was all alone in her room at the clubhouse. No different from any other night.
Raven glanced around the room that had been hers for so many years. There were not many personal items. She loved to shop, but most of the time, she often gave away what she bought, apart from the clothes. She loved clothes and shoes, not that she wore half of the stuff in her wardrobe. There were also the dresses that Abriana had bought for her while she’d been staying with her to heal.
There was no way in hell some of the guys would ever see her in heels and a dress. It wasn’t going to happen.
Most of the time, she wore boots. Jeans or pants, a shirt or a sweater, with her leather cut. The leather cut she had earned was the only thing she owned that she cherished. Glancing at the floor in front of her, where she’d laid it out, Raven had to wonder if there was a ticking clock on that as well.
Again, her heart started to pound, but she forced it to stop. This time, she put the revolver she’d been holding on the floor, placing her hand on her chest. She pressed hard, attempting to ground herself.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Ignore it.
In and out.
She kept on repeating the same mantra in her head, hoping for the fear to stop clawing away at her.
Once again, she slowly was able to ground herself, and then, with a final breath, it was gone.
The panic attacks were occurring more often now. Especially after … Ava.
Crap, just thinking about that sweet woman was enough to make tears come to Raven’s eyes once again.
Now she grabbed her head and willed the memories of what she’d done out of her mind.
She couldn’t scre am. She couldn’t yell. All Raven could do was grit her teeth and try to stop those memories from building up out of her mind. How Ava begged. She pleaded with them, but Raven had believed that stupid fucking picture.
“Since your judgment call got my woman hurt. Think hard, Raven. If you hadn’t sent her off with a prospect that wasn’t even one of ours, my wife wouldn’t have lost our first child. She wouldn’t have had a concussion, and she wouldn’t wake up screaming some nights, terrified.”
This was Abriana.
Raven prided herself in knowing people. She’d been duped once in her life, and she had vowed to never let it happen again, only, it had. Twice more so far. Once with Abriana, Ugly Beast’s wife. She hadn’t questioned a prospect taking her, and it had caused so much damage. Losing a child, hurting Abriana. She had fucked up big time. When that happened, Raven struggled to look at her friend.
She hadn’t recognized the prospect, but she knew Smokey liked to give some men a chance, and they rarely lasted long. He always had tests for men who wanted to join the club. Raven had fucked up assuming this was one of those cases. She should have stopped him, fucking killed him, and taken Abriana, but she hadn’t.
Raven would never forgive herself.
Abriana had forgiven her, but at times, Raven couldn’t bring herself to look in a mirror. All prospects who came near the club, she stalked. She paid careful attention to every single person coming in and out of the club, and she hunted each of them down, checking their backgrounds, finding out every single piece of information that she could.
Then, Ava, Smokey’s woman.
God, just thinking about what happened with Ava made her feel sick. She wanted to hurt herself. To drive a blade deep within her gut and allow herself to bleed out.
Nothing she did or could do would ever repay the damage. Hacking off the woman’s hair, and even now, Ava never allowed it to grow. Never. The only length she would have it was shoulder length.
Raven had hit her and allowed the club whores to have their way for a fucking picture that wasn’t even real. Not a true perspective or telling of events. There was no justification for what she’d done.
After picking up the revolver, she flicked open the barrel and saw that there was a single bullet inside, as there was most times. Loading the gun, she spun the clip, lifted the nuzzle to her head, closed her eyes, and clicked.
No bullet.
No death.
She was allowed to live tomorrow.
After reaching under her bed, she grabbed the locked case, flicked the lock, and placed the revolver back inside, then locked the case and got to her feet. She padded across the room and went to her closet, where she had a small hook hidden in the back. Once she’d placed the key on the hook, she closed the door.
Her leather cut was still on the floor.
Waiting.
After walking over, she bent down and picked up the cut. She placed the hanger back in place on the closet doorknob.
It was late.
Nearly three in the morning. Most of the club would be fast asleep.
She left her bedroom and walked down the long corridor, going to the stairs that would take her to the main clubhouse. As to be expected, men and women in different states of undress were passed out all over the place.
Since being a club brother, she had seen enough dick to last her more than a lifetime. Shaking her head and glancing at the brothers fondly, she walked toward the kitchen. She was starving.
Seeing as Ava spent some time at the clubhouse, Raven made sure she was rarely around.
To some people, they felt Raven getting beat the crap out of by Creed was a way of mending bridges, not to Raven. All she did was take care of Ava. She didn’t do it to mend fences or to have Ava forgive her, although Ava had.
She never expected the woman’s forgiveness. Raven had no right to it. Yes, it would be nice to truly have it, but she knew it was something she was never going to want because she didn’t deserve forgiveness. Ava had only given it to her out of pity. Raven didn’t need pity. She got what she had coming to her. All she could do was adapt. Make sure that Ava only saw her when she had to.
Raven had stopped going to the bakery. When Ava was with Abriana, Raven steered clear and allowed them to be at peace. She never attempted to befriend Harlow, the girl working for Ava. And when Ava was at the club, like tonight, she kept herself locked in her room, waiting until late so she could come down for something to eat.
This wasn’t a pity party. This was Raven dealing with the consequences of her own actions. No one forced her to do this.
Entering the kitchen, she came to an immediate stop when she caught sight of Smokey sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a drink.
At first, she wanted to turn on her heel and pretend she didn’t have a clue why she was in the kitchen. Perhaps even making the excuse that she was sleepwalking.
Sleep wasn’t something she ever did well.
None of the brothers knew how she spent long nights, lying in bed, awake, staring up at the ceiling. If she did fall asleep, it was only for a couple of hours at a time.
Smokey looked up. There was a frown across his brow.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
He nodded.
This was awkward.
Smokey was the only one she had ever been close to, but not romantically. She never had a crush on him or wanted him sexually. He was her … friend. The only true friend she had. Again, that was something she had lost as well.
“Ava’s … she had a nightmare.”
“Oh,” Raven said.
Ava’s nightmares were well-known within the club. One of the nights she’d stayed in her room, Ava had woken the baby with her screams.
“I, er, I’ll go.”
“Eat,” Smokey said.
Raven tensed up. “I’m fine. I don’t need food.”
“Raven, you haven’t eaten since this morning. You think I don’t know that you’re starving and whenever Ava’s with me, you stay hidden?”
Well, she thought she hid it a little better than that.
At the fridge, she pulled open the door and perused what was available. Not a whole lot. Some cheese. She liked cheese. Grabbing the small packet, she rushed to the counter and found some leftover stale pieces of bread. The guys were such big babies when it came to bread.
She took two crusts, spread them with butter, and then sliced the cheese finely to place on the sandwich. She loved pickles and checked the cupboards to see there was a small jar of them left.
Feeling a little euphoric, she grabbed her plate and the jar of pickles, along with a fork, and approached the table.
She didn’t sit close to Smokey anymore.
They were no longer … close.
After taking a bite of her sandwich, she chewed the stale bread and cheese as she opened the top of the jar, and the scent of vinegar erupted in the air. She stabbed her fork into a pickle and pulled it out, taking a bite so that it mixed with her sandwich.
“Was the nightmare about…” Raven couldn’t even bring herself to finish.
“Yes.”
She nodded.
“She has forgiven me, but I can’t do anything to wipe the memories from her mind.” He rubbed at his eyes, and as Raven looked at him, really looked at him, she saw that he seemed older than normal.
Smokey was an older guy, but this was different. The pain of what he’d caused had aged him.
“She loves you and she has forgiven you. In time, the nightmares will stop.” She knew all about them, not in Ava’s case, but in her own.
“They’ll just magically stop?”
Raven shook her head. “No, you’ll create new memories. You’re already different around her. Making changes so that her life is better.” She tried to reason with him.
“I don’t deserve it.”
Smokey had no choice but to work his ass off to win Ava back. If it hadn’t been for Ava being pregnant after what happened, even Raven doubted if he had a chance.
“You’re a good guy and she knows it.”
“But I didn’t … fuck, do you know how often I think of that moment? When I saw that picture?”
