Epilogue, p.23
Epilogue, page 23
Mom set down the bags on the counter and ruffled my hair. I flinched away instinctively, and she laughed. I’d never liked people touching my hair, which of course meant she did it at every possible opportunity.
“How long until you head out again?”
Her eyes flashed. She smirked. “Oh, you want me to leave? Need the house to yourself?”
“I have work too, Mom.” I rolled my eyes.
“Oh, so it’s not for a pretty girl then.”
“Did she tell you?” I asked, surprised.
“So there is a girl?” Mom looked equally surprised. “And she would have told me? Ooh, this is getting juicy.” She opened the fridge and started putting away the milk. “Do tell.”
“There isn’t.” I sighed. “Or, I’m not sure if there is. We went on a date, but it was sorta … interrupted.”
“She didn’t like your hair?” Mom reached out and plucked at it.
I brushed her away irritably. “No. There were just other things to talk about. Big things.” I shrugged. “I don’t think you could really call it a date in the end.”
“If you say so,” she replied absently. She was digging through the cupboard, trying to find something she could eat quickly before she had to head out again. I think something in my voice got to her though, as she suddenly stopped and turned around to face me, very serious. “Is something wrong?”
I didn’t want to lie to my own mother, not more than was absolutely necessary. I let my exhaustion show, all the stress built up in my head seeping into my face in one smooth wave. “I have to make a choice about something and I’m having a hard time figuring out what’s best.”
She looked confused, but it didn’t deter her. “What sort of choice?”
“Between two important people, and which one I believe is right. Or if neither of them are. I don’t know.” I shrugged again. “Whichever I decide, there’s no going back. No do-overs. It’ll be final.”
“Do I know either of these people?”
“… Yes.”
Mom’s eyes narrowed. “Is one of them Jenny?”
I almost corrected her on the name but managed to stop myself in time. “Yeah.”
She shook her head, still puzzled. “Well, I won’t pretend to have a clue what’s going on, and your sister definitely isn’t right all the time, so I’m not going to tell you to take her side. Just remember, Jenny’s your sister. No matter what you might think, you two need to stick together. So she can protect you and you can protect her too.” Mom smiled at me. “So take her side if she’s right, and if she’s wrong, make sure she doesn’t get left behind. That she understands why you chose what you did, and that you’re still on her side no matter what. Family always comes first.”
Once again, Mom’s advice didn’t really help much. It didn’t make my choice any easier, and it only did a little to comfort me. I appreciated the effort though.
“That didn’t really help much, did it?” Mom added nonchalantly, echoing my thoughts. She turned back toward the cupboard. “Sorry. Let me say this, then. I trust you, no matter what you decide. I know you think things through, and you always follow through on your decisions, and I know you care about your sister. You’ll choose right, I’m sure. You’re a good man, Matt.”
Tears sprang to my eyes. I still didn’t necessarily agree with her, but I needed her reassurance more than a drowning man needed air. I wanted to commit everything she said to memory, because I had felt my mind tick over, ever so slightly, to the other side. Without warning, without fanfare, I’d begun actually considering the third option—going back to Cyraveil.
I pushed it away. I had a real life here. Friends and family. I had school and work and a relationship I actually wanted to pursue with Sara, even if we’d gotten off to a rocky start. I liked the calm and quiet, a life far away from danger and madness. What could possibly drive me to return to that place?
My mother had pointed it out. I did always strive to follow through on decisions. Yet, as I’d told Sara myself, I’d run away—from Cyraveil and from the choices I’d made there. When the battle was won, the new alliances formed, when they’d asked for a leader to help them move forward and maintain order in the new kingdom, what had I done? I hadn’t worked with them to establish a new state, overturn the terrible laws that had led to the rebellion in the first place.
No, I’d fled. I’d taken an out no one could have seen coming, a portal to another world none of them had ever heard of (or believed in, if they were the few generals I had taken into my confidence). I’d retreated to a place where no one could follow.
I had abandoned them, and worse, I’d dragged along two people who might not have wanted to come with me. I’d told Sara I’d forced Jen home, but that wasn’t exactly true. Jen had known of our ability to return, but I hadn’t told her that it was entirely up to me—that I could trigger it at any time. Jen and I had discussed it, but we’d never actually made a decision.
I’d finally given in, at a moment when I’d finally been truly overwhelmed. Blake was dead, Reynir was dead, Carl was nowhere to be found. The people were literally at my doorstep clamoring for leadership, and I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea how to lead now that we’d won. All I wanted was to run away—and then I’d remembered, I actually had that option.
In my chambers, with people banging on the door begging for an audience, I’d disappeared. Now I felt like I owed them an apology. An explanation for why I’d abandoned them in their time of need.
I forced my mind back to the present. Those people were far away, impossibly far away. There was nothing I could do for them now. Instead, I had a sister to protect and a friend to …
To what? To confront? To debate? To comfort? To stop?
I still wasn’t sure.
I was actually grateful I had work that night. I’d do anything for a reprieve from my thoughts, even if it meant mindlessly dealing with customers. As long as I was occupied, I wouldn’t be stewing in my own head. When I wasn’t helping customers, I talked about anything I could think of with my coworker, no doubt annoying him to death.
Unfortunately for my sanity, though, I was about to have the entire store to myself. My late-night partner had called in sick, so I was going to have the slowest part of the shift all to myself, until someone else came in to cover. I’d tried to mentally prepare myself, rifling through the magazine racks for anything that looked even remotely interesting to read, but nothing caught my eye. I was about to give up on finding anything to do when our store phone rang.
Now, the store phone almost never rang, and it never meant anything good. I picked it up with a bit of fear—only to hear a voice I’d never expected, but one I very happily welcomed in that moment.
“Hi. Is this Matt?” It was a bit crackly, as our store phone wasn’t exactly the greatest, but she was still perfectly audible, and a great relief to the endless hum of the machines and beep the front door.
“Sara?” I asked incredulously.
“Yeah. Jen told me where you worked.”
“… Hi. How are you?”
“I’m good, but that’s not why I called.”
I took a breath. Whatever she said next, I knew it wasn’t going to end well. “What’s going on?”
“It’s Carl.
My heart sank. This really wasn’t going to end well. “What did he do?”
“That’s the thing. I think he’s going to do something.” Sara’s voice picked up in urgency as she went on. “He just called me. Talked about the police and about Blake. He seemed scared. He refused to talk about anything in particular, and he just hung up out of nowhere. I don’t think he’s all there, you know?”
I tried to rationalize it, if only for my own sake. “Well, he isn’t aware that you know. That might be why he didn’t talk about much.”
“You guys didn’t tell him?” she asked, surprised.
“We haven’t actually talked in a while,” I replied, a little embarrassed. “I don’t know where he is.”
“Matt, that’s really, really bad, isn’t it? Jen didn’t say much about him, but he was a pretty big deal over there, right?”
“Yes. He was a general, kind of. A lord.”
“So he’s already feeling a loss of power, he’s lost his friends, and now he’s losing control all over again. He’s going to try and get that back somehow.”
“I don’t know what to do about that,” I admitted. Something about her made me want to be honest, or maybe I just really wanted advice from someone who knew what was going on, since my mother hadn’t been much help.
“… I don’t either,” Sara replied, to my dismay. “But we can’t just leave him to wander the streets alone. He needs help.”
The door chimed. I glanced up, and a shabby-looking man was there, staring at me expectantly. “I’m sorry, Sara. I have to go. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Okay. Good luck,” she added as I hung up.
The man just wanted a pack of cigarettes. While I checked his ID, the door chimed again. I didn’t bother to look up until the new voice addressed me directly.
“Matt, we need to talk.” His tone chilled my blood to ice. It was a voice I hadn’t heard in a long time. Not Carl’s, but the voice of the Lord of Candir, whom I’d never trusted for a second. The man who’d betrayed Reynir Cellman, to his ultimate death.
“Hi, Carl,” I said, trying to keep calm. The customer was struggling with his wallet, his hands unsteady. I prayed he’d get out of here soon, before Carl started talking—but as usual, fate and I were still at odds.
“I’m going to find a way back, and you’re going to help,” said Carl. There was no anger in his voice, only determination and confidence. Even so, it worried me. I didn’t have control of this situation. I was adrift, and danger lurked in every corner, waiting to strike.
“Not sure what you’re talking about,” I said mildly. The customer finally got his wallet out of his pocket and began to count out change coin by coin.
“I found a guy. Daniel Whitman. He knows about Cyraveil. He’ll know how to get there. He even lives in town, Matt! We can go back. All of us.” Carl sounded almost deranged. His voice rose as he went on. I had no idea what he was talking about. It seemed illogical. The thoughts didn’t flow together right.
“How are you sure?”
“I know he will, Matt. Trust me.”
I could never trust you, Carl. “That’s kind of hard to believe.”
“Okay, look,” he said impatiently. He turned to the customer, still counting out nickels. “Hey, get lost?”
“Jus’ be a secon’,” the man muttered. Carl’s eyes narrowed.
“Carl, it’s fine,” I cut in, but Carl was already closing on him. He grabbed the man’s hands and started tossing his money on the counter.
“Hey now!”
“Just shut up. Here.” Carl shoved the pack at him. “Get going.”
I hopped the counter, landing behind Carl. I grabbed his arm and his shoulder, twisting him around and pinning him to the glass display of lottery tickets next to us. He was too surprised to react in time. “Carl, calm down.”
“Matt, what the fuck?” He struggled, but he was too weak to do much to me on Earth. I had no trouble holding him steady.
“Calm. Down.” I turned to the customer. “Please excuse my friend. I’m so sorry about this.”
“Don’ worry ’bou’ it,” the guy mumbled. He took his smokes and the change, and left in a hurry. Once I was sure he was gone, I let Carl free.
He came back swinging, but it was too obvious. The punch was too telegraphed. I dodged it easily. I stepped back and waited calmly for Carl’s next move. He was heaving, but he seemed to recognize finally that attacking me wasn’t going to accomplish anything.
“Are you good?” I asked.
“… Yes,” he replied, more calmly than I expected. I entertained the faint hope that he actually was under control.
“You wanted to talk?”
“Yeah.”
“… So?”
“Don’t you want to go back?” Carl asked, exasperated.
“No,” I said firmly—but if I was being honest, I’d never been more on the fence about it.
“But—”
“It was one part of my life and it’s over now. I’m trying to move on, Carl.”
“You were a general. A leader. A revolutionary,” Carl said breathlessly. “You started a movement. You toppled an empire. You were important and powerful. They would have given you anything. Why wouldn’t you want to have all that?”
“Did you rehearse that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Take this seriously, goddammit,” he snapped. “That was you, wasn’t it? You’re a natural leader. Those speeches, man. You said you were just improvising, but you inspired people to fight. To die. ‘Eternal glory,’ wasn’t that it? How they’d be remembered, even if they died in the struggle, breaking chains? You’d fight for the silent and something-something.”
I shrugged. “I got that from a song.”
Carl paused. I saw him twitch a bit, before a laugh of all things erupted through him. “Fucking song lyrics. You’re kidding.”
“Nope.” I shook my head. “Straight from a song. I barely even changed the words.”
Carl laughed harder. I grinned nervously. Maybe he was getting back to normal.
“See, this is why you have to come back, Matt!” My hopes were dashed as quickly as they’d grown. “Help me find this guy. We can all go back. You belong there, I belong there, Jen definitely belongs there. We’ll all go back, all of us, and everything will be okay.”
Carl wasn’t stable; that much was obvious. He didn’t know what he was doing. He’d completely jumped off the deep end. At the same time, though, I did consider his words.
Maybe we did belong there. I felt like I had unfinished business now. Between Carl’s reminders and Jen’s recollections, I was brought back to those moments just before I’d decided to bring us home. The people there depended on me to lead them through crises. I was insane to think it would all just work itself out. We’d just overthrown a generations-old dynastic government; chaos was bound to follow no matter how well we handled the transition. We’d only just begun our work there.
Responsible. Everybody called me the responsible one. I don’t know how much I agreed with them, but I couldn’t deny I felt an obligation to these people. I had a duty to them, after having asked them for so much. Those speeches I gave, the oaths I made. I would betray the spirit of my people’s sacrifices if I didn’t come back to follow through on what I’d promised.
Not just to the people I’d led. There was another, more personal sacrifice I had to honor. An agreement made in the dead of night, around a low-burning fire in the command tend on the outskirts of the city. A promise I’d made to a dear friend, far braver than any of us, who knew he was going to die but charged forward without regrets. Blake had loved that world and the people within it. He’d made me swear to make it a better place, whatever it took.
As my past words echoed through my head, I looked back at Carl with a cold eye. Even if I felt like I might need to return, I knew Carl shouldn’t. He was a far better person before we’d left. Kinder and warmer, if a bit annoying. He’d become so cold and distant now. I hesitated to admit it, but I felt like Cyraveil had created a monster in him—one that never should have been woken.
Carl couldn’t return with us. I’d seen him betray a best friend first-hand, turn his back and let him die at the hands of a ravenous horde of revolutionaries. I would never, ever trust him again.
“Go home, Carl,” I said softly.
His face fell. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say?” His voice was as quiet as my own.
“Cyraveil doesn’t exist,” I said firmly, consciously echoing my words from the night we’d come back.
Carl shook his head. “You’ll change your mind. Eventually.” He turned and left the store, and it felt as though the room instantly became lighter. I found it easier to breathe, as if the weight of Carl’s presence had settled right on my lungs. The release seemed to affirm my decision to shut him out. I leaned back against the counter, once again lost in thought.
Now I had two paths in front of me. One of them grew increasingly dimmer each day. I’d tried to walk down it but had lost my way. Beside me, another path began, where my sister and a world I thought I’d sworn off loomed like ancient towering statues, silently judging my every move.
I felt my mind turn, and with reluctance and fear in my heart, I stared down that second path.
CHAPTER 15
JEN
“So what’s the connection here anyway? History of abuse from the father, possibly passed down?”
“No. As far as I can tell, Mr. Westin was a model citizen. The records of his divorce proceedings with Erica Silverdale are sealed.”
“Entirely?”
“Anything worth mentioning, at least.”
“Wait, you said was a model citizen.”
“Philip Westin died in a car accident, about a year ago. Apparently fell asleep at the wheel and drove off a cliff on the coast. No foul play suspected.”
“Huh.”
The door to Sara’s bedroom opened. I snapped upright, the pillow I’d been hugging tossed aside and landing on the floor with a soft thump.
Sara’s nervous voice answered. “Uhh, hi?” Her face poked through the door. She looked startled, and more than a little confused.
“… Hi. I kinda snuck in while you guys were out at dinner … Sorry.”
She walked over to shut the window I’d left open. I would have closed it, but the breeze and the fresh air felt really nice. It still didn’t smell right, but it was better than nothing. “Did anyone see you come in?”
“As if.”
She closed the blinds as well, before settling down cross-legged on her desk chair. I leaned back into the corner of the wall again, letting my eyes droop half-closed. Surprise all done with, Sara now just looked concerned again—which only made me feel worse. “Were you sleeping? You really freaked out there.”
“Huh?”
